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Your Countdown to the End of the World: “Bridalplasty”

September 17, 2010
So E!, that godless network behind “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” (a show The Heathen totally loves… shhh! Don’t tell anybody) and “Kendra,” has recently given the go-ahead to another show destined to doom us for all eternity. This show is, no joke, called “Bridalplasty.” And it’s what you think it is.
 
Each week, contestants on the show (otherwise known as average looking chicks with low self-esteem) will compete through different challenges to win a plastic surgery procedure each week, culminating in a grand prize of a dream wedding paid for by the production company. Seriously, Satan is not even trying to disguise himself anymore. The challenges would all be wedding-themed, of course, such as writing wedding vows or planning a honeymoon. Empty-headed pageant graduate Shanna Moakler has apparently already agreed to host, and thoroughly unsurprisingly, Terry Dubrow, the same doctor from Fox’s monstrosity “The Swan,” has agreed to be the surgeon. Giuliana Rancic is one of the executive producers, along with the 51 Minds company.
 
I seriously can imagine few things more horrifying. “The Swan” was lambasted from the get-go because critics (rightfully) said that it encouraged mental disorders, including body dysmorphia, and promoted plastic surgery as a solution to very real personal problems. The show’s entire premise was the idea that fixing the contestants’ appearances meant that the contestants’ lives would be miraculously fixed, too. That show didn’t last long and hopefully this one won’t, either. There are some women out there who’ll do anything for a free wedding, and anything for plastic surgery, and Lord only knows combining these two things and making it a friggin’ contest is gonna kill somebody, or at the very least, severely scar them for life. There are the shows that we watch to escape our lives and ridicule the stars (Hello, Jersey Shore!) but “Bridalplasty” is something different altogether. It’s one thing to fetishize weddings in general (something a whole slew of other shows do, and something that can be delved into in another post), it’s another thing entirely to make a bunch of women feel as if, in order to get married, they need to jack up their faces first. And what about the future husbands, who will only see their wives-to-be for the first time when they unveil them at the altar?! I’m betting seeing your wife attempting to make Megan Fox duck-lips while actually looking closer to Lisa Rinna’s kisser is going to make for quite the romantic surprise. Good effin’ luck.
 
When the acid rain starts to pour, I’ll be in my bomb shelter eating Little Debbie snacks and reminiscing to the good old days of “The Real World: Hawaii.” Y’know, back when reality t.v. just meant stupid 20-somethings drinking too much and getting naked.
-B.
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