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The heathen must speak.

June 21, 2010
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With my general disgust of 82.7% of the world’s population, it has taken a lot of thought and consideration as to which aspect of society to attack first.  Notables include: the doctors and patients smoking outside of Parkland Hospital’s emergency room I pass each day as I walk to work, or the executives of British Petroleum (and anyone who has said “the ocean will take care of itself”), or rich young people, or chihuahuas, or… oh god… the list could just go on really (which would be the reason we started this blog in general).  But tonight, I have had enough.  The scales have been tipped – rather, turned over – with idiocy… by none other, than the males of the Bachelorette.  Well done, boys.

So yes, it’s embarrassing enough that I even know this show exists, much less that I watch it.  It all started when a friend’s sister was a contender and won the Bachelor last year, and then I got to know the people, we became Monday-night BFFs, and soon enough, 4 seasons later, I am still wasting my brain space watching idiots prance around and fight over “true love” as represented by the handing out of a flower.  God bless America.

So there is the one guy, Kasey, who is just a real peach fresh off the turnip truck.  This guy has the most obnoxious voice, breaks out into song on their dates (no, not a lil Boyz II Men – more like “oh, here are some words I know… and now they are coming out in singy voice… it’s okay they don’t rhyme”), and of particular interest is that he really has a connection with the bachelorette.  No, no… REALLY guys, seriously.  They do.  That’s why she can’t look him in the eye when he’s talking.  Or maybe it’s because he can’t talk.  He uses the phrases “guard and protect her heart,” “I’m here to be a real man,” and “guard and protect her heart” in lieu of nouns, verbs, adverbs, and adjectives.  And what makes him a real winner?   He went so far as to get a TATTOO of a shield protecting a heart… with a rose… and 11 “studs” on the shield to represent the 11 “studs” in the bachelor house.  Oh.yes.he.did.  Before knowing about his heart being on his sleeve, Ms. Bachelorette requested one thing on their last date: “he just has to be normal to stay.”  whoopsie poopsie!  Let’s just say, in the end, he was left standing alone… on a glacier… in Iceland.  And like all famous last words: “if a tattoo doesn’t show my sincerity, I don’t know what will.”

Congratulations, Kasey.  I’m sure you’re a winner in the heart permanently inked on your wrist.

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